If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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