what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
