I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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