I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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