I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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