God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
