apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
