I love black thongs
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize