Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Apparently you make a good broom.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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