You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
