Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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