I hate all girls vehemently.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize