I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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