Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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