Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
