She is in my trunk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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