Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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