My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
