Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
