i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
