I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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