omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
