The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
