: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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