I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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