Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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