Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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