i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
