Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
