My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
