I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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