When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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