awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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