I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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