Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
