It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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