Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
