Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
