Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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