Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
