I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
