I hope mine doesn't look like that
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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