I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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