someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
