Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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