puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
