I just threw up on my dentist
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize