Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
