When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
