dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
