too bad you live with your parents still
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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