You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize