Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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