Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
