I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
