I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
