My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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