I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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