my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
