DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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