I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
