are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
