I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
